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WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN OR A MAN
A provocative little look at the REAL reason you are going through
transition
"I just want to be an ordinary woman" cries out the Male-To-Female
transsexual. "I wish I had just been born a man in the first place!"
storms the Female-To-Male Transsexual.
These are common enough statements. I too have said both of them,
properly gendered to fit me of course, and felt them to be the
absolute truth. And in a part of my heart, they are.
But the experience of 16+ years has allowed me to learn and grow
enough to see a few things that I could not entirely see, back during
my transition. And the biggest lesson I have learned, is the real
reason for going through the perilous journey of transition - and it
is not to be a woman or a man.
Curious statement? Let me explain.
Being a 'Woman' or a 'Man' is more complex than you may realize. The
simple words convey a very great amount of information. To say that
someone is a 'Woman' not only defines a physical sex, but also
suggests a companioning gender identity, a common set of behavior
traits related to both, and... a socially created role as well.
One of the first things that the very young transsexual finds is that
the natural behaviors that they express just being in the world, are
not accepted by those around them. In every way, in every action,
there are expectations that conflict with natural expression. The
penalties for failing to meet these expectations can be very harsh,
and so the young transsexual most often picks up on this and finds
ways to adjust or act that reduce suffering.
This means that the young transsexual soon learns to become affected
in behavior, to become unnatural. They try very hard to conform, to
fit the expectations given them, so as not to be caused hurt. It does
not take many years of this, before understanding of what is natural
behavior and what is affected behavior, is lost or compromised.
When the transsexual reaches a time where something must and can be
done about their gender issues, there is often a great deal of
separation from both life, and true self going on. The best the lost
soul can do is to grasp at the nearest ideal or form of the original
suppressed self. The transsexual identifies with and seeks to emulate
the desired gender role, just as they emulated an uncomfortable one.
Gender roles are very elaborate and structured. They contain
virtually complete scripts, complex expectations, that cover every
aspect of life, from little matters such as walking or sitting, to
large matters, such as choice of career or options for lifestyle.
Lost to their core selves after years of self suppression, the
closest artificial role to that sought after self becomes
overwhelmingly desirable. But the transsexual will usually learn,
after several years, that this too, is not entirely right. Much
better than before, but still confining.
This is a state not limited to transsexuals. Gender roles are always
limiting for the simple reason that they are scripts, artificial
stereotypes based on averages rather than true self expression.
When I went through transition, I thought at first that I wanted to
be a Traditional Woman, or some variation on the concept, a mother, a
wife, a proper fit to the social role. Within months, for me at
least, this started to chafe, and by the time of my surgery, I was
angry at the entire concept. Few transsexuals realize the concept of
role and their limits so quickly, and they suffer accordingly.
What I grasped so early was that the reason I was going through
transition was not so that I could be a "Woman". I had no desire to
conform to an artificial role of any sort whatsoever. I realized that
trading one narrow set of expectations for another set of narrow
expectations - even if that new set was closer to my core self -
would not make me happy. I would be less unhappy, but still
miserable, in the conventional and limited role of a woman in
society.
The reason I was transitioning, was not to become a woman, it was to
become myself - whatever that actually turned out to mean.
The hormones definitely gave me a body that pleased me, that 'felt
right', a chemistry and perception that made me feel comfortable for
the first time. Surgery finally gave me the genitalia that conformed
to my own inner feeling of how I should be shaped. No longer did I
feel deformed, but instead finally felt healed.
But I quickly found that I did not want to be limited by any
expectations of how or what I was supposed to be. I wanted no part of
the role that society uses to define being a 'Woman'.
I reasoned it thus: If transsexuality is a real thing, and if it is
caused by innate gender differences in the brain, then it has nothing
whatsoever to do with social roles. Social roles must be derived from
natural expressions of average behavior, turned into stereotypes.
These stereotypes become rigid expectations.
If I truly had a female brain, then I would naturally already be a
woman, and the adoption of any social role would equivalent to acting
out an affected performance. Much of my suffering had derived from
feeling forced to perform an artificial role. The only path to
enduring happiness would come from being myself. If my brain was
truly as female as I believed, then my natural behavior, my
unaffected self, would make that obvious. If my brain was something
else, it did not matter, what mattered was that I would be free.
Surgery and hormones did serve me well. They gave me contentment and
peace of mind. They made me feel good, and feel physically and
mentally healed. There is no other reason to do either. Surgery and
hormones will not make anyone into a 'man' or a 'woman'. What they
can do is to alter shape, perception, chemistry, and flesh to a form
that the transsexual can live with comfortably. Really being a man or
a woman can only come from expressing one's true self, naturally.
What I learned is that the reason to go through transition is
definitely not to be a definable, labeled thing, such as a 'Man' or
a 'Woman'.
The reason to go through transition is to be able to be content with
the flesh that we wear, so that we can concentrate on being a
changing, dynamic, unique individual expression of our heartfelt
selves.
Whatever that mysterious self may turn out to be.
I have learned that no other path leads to enduring happiness.
